The dilemma

Oh Motherhood.


I think one of the hardest things about my new role as a mom is realizing that I call the shots for my little girl and what I think will be best for us as a family. Some people probly have this instinct come naturally, but it's been extremely difficult for me. Hello my name is Ashley and I am a people pleaser. Especially when it comes to people who I respect their opinions. So..my dilemma right now has come down to breastfeeding (sorry its kinda a touchy subject). Shall I or shall I not?


History: I have grown up with my mom being a huge cheerleader for breastfeeding. Its the only way to go she says. She's completely anti-formula, and is very opinionated about it. I know that breastfeeding brings many advantages for both baby and mom. So the choice at the beginning was easy. Hallie was awesome at it right away. She was just a natural. And at first I had such a big milk supply that I was pumping between feedings and freezing them so that when I needed a break I could have someone else feed her. Everything was going great, and then I got on birth control. My dr. told me that with the pills there was a chance that it could lower milk supply because of hormonal changes. But he put me on a mini pill where the chances of that happening were even lower. After being on the pill for a week I started my period. Which I thought was weird because most women dont when they are breastfeeding enough. But I continued to do it. Around this time Hallie was getting worse and worse. She would cry all day long. She stopped napping. She wasnt sleeping well. I would try to nurse her and she would only take about ten minutes max and then scream. I thought that since we have been giving her apple juice from a bottle maybe she was getting lazy and wanted a bottle. So I tried pumping whenever she wouldnt eat. I went from being able to pump 6 oz. at the drop of a hat to sitting in a room for 45 minutes and getting not even an ounce. So thats when I started thinking that maybe my milk supply was going low.





So thats where my heart was torn. Do I sacrifice the support and respect from my mom for a maybe happier baby if I put her on formula and she actually gets food? Or do I just try to nurse her, even when she's unhappy, because it's better for her. I was becoming so stressed with such a miserable baby. Which probly didnt help with my milk supply. I wasnt sleeping, I barely got anything to eat during the day, and my stress level was through the roof. I knew that if something didnt change I was going to be an unhealthy mental mess soon. Sure, formula may not even solve the problem. It could be something entirely different as to why she cries all day long. But I had to try something. So I caved.





One of the biggest things holding me back was the fear of disappointing everyone. Whenever I was asked if I was breastfeeding or formula, I always got compliments on doing the best thing for my baby when I told them breastfeeding. Now what will everyone say? I know it shouldnt matter, but I do NOT want to seem like a failure as a mother. So this is my disclaimer: I am not switching Hallie to formula because I am lazy, or because I think it is an easy way out. I am only trying to get my baby the food that she needs to be happy, because I can not do that on my own right now.





So call me a failure, say you're disappointed in me, that you thought I didn't try hard enough, that I gave up too easy. But I gave it all I could, and Im sorry. Hallie has been on formula since Sunday night and we have a different baby. She smiles, she plays, she interacts, she takes two naps a day, she puts herself to sleep, she is consoleable, she is happy, and she is satisfied. I'm hoping that I am making the right decision for my sweet baby